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Why do I date the same people over and over again? Is it a deeper connection that draw these people to me, or is it just what I like?

Tanya White: We attract who and where we are in life. People are drawn to us because of commonalities they sense from us and level of probability that they have of actually securing a relationship. Oftentimes, we deduce our negative rerun dating experiences and choices to being a simple matter of what we like. Our perpetual choices are primarily due to unresolved hurts such as rejection, fear, issues of abandonment. Until we conduct a self assessment as to why we make the same unhealthy choices we will continue to repeat the unhealthy dating cycle.

Dedan Tolbert: One thing to keep in mind is that a man is going to treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you present yourself like you don’t have any respect for yourself, then that’s how a man is going to treat you. Sister Souljah once said, “Confused women attract confused men”. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself what kind of man you’re looking for and then develop a plan on how to go about getting him.

Cassandra Washington: There’s a saying that my mother always told me: “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten.” This can be applied to everything in life. Therefore, when you start noticing this trend, you need to take a deep look at yourself and see what it is that you are continually doing, saying, where you are continually hanging out at, and who you are continually accepting and turning away.

Maybe you’ll find that you are turning down the guy with no game, who may actually be a perfect fit for you, and instead, opting to choose the man with the mouthpiece, dressed in brand labels, who would holler at your best friend if you blinked your eyes. Deep down, you like the flash and fast life. For example, I know a young lady who would profess that she wanted a man to want her for her mind and not her body. Whenever she met a guy, she dressed provocatively and used her body to get more attention.

She got the attention, but not the attention that she wanted. Remember, how you start out is most definitely how you’ll finish in a relationship. If you keep getting the wrong type of men, it may be because you don’t know what you need in your life. You’re continually blinded by what you want which doesn’t always even out.

Big Boom: You keep getting the same type of man because you haven’t changed anything about yourself. It’s not that you are getting the same type of man; the true problem is the men are getting same old women.

Sun 02-15-09 Do you have to be a freak to enjoy great sex?

Mon 02-16-09 Is sex overrated?

Tue 02-17-09 When should men draw the line in role playing?

Wed 02-18-09 Why do men really cheat?

Thu 02-19-09 Why do I date the same people over and over?

Fri 02-20-09 Why are men challenged by their perineal G-spot?

Sat 02-21-09 Do I tell my friend she’s dating a married man?

Sun 02-22-09 How do I tell my husband I’m sexually frustrated without hurting his feelings?

Mon 02-23-09 Would more racial boundaries break if more people dated interacially?

Tue 02-24-09 How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?

Wed 02-25-09 How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?

Thu 02-26-09 How do I cope with my boyfriend sending me mixed messages?

Fri 02-27-09 I fell in love with my best friend’s wife. What should I do?

Sat 02-28-09 Each author gets a special question just for him or her.

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Why do men really cheat?

Dedan Tolbert: While this question is often an extremely complicated one, the first step is to identify what “stage” your man is in at that particular point in his life. When I say stage, I mean that all men go through 3 stages for what they are looking for from women. These 3 stages differ from man to man and are often based on the man’s maturity level.

One stage is the “dog stage”. This stage is where men just want to have sex with as many women as possible as fast as possible. They don’t really care about the woman’s feelings at all. Another stage is the “player stage”. This stage is when a man finds someone who he’s interested in settling down with but he still wants to have his fun on the side while dealing with multiple other women. The last stage is the “wifey stage”. This is when a man is truly interested in finding a wife or a girlfriend and really being committed to her. I’m not saying that men won’t cheat during this stage, but it’s not what he’s setting out to do mentally.

So overall, there’s no easy answer to this question.When it comes to the question of why a man is cheating on his woman, it depends on what stage he’s in when he cheats.

Cassandra Washington: That’s a great question. From what I hear from a lot of men, some do it just because they can. You know, to see if they still have it like that. Some do it because they feel constricted or neglected in their current relationship. What men are missing in their current situation, they’ll try to find it outside. It’s never a good idea, but hey, it happens because they are human. Humans make mistakes. I will say, however, with the way the world is today with disease, pregnancy rates, violence, etc, cheating is never a good idea. You can’t fix what’s inside, by going out, feel what I’m saying?

Big Boom: It’s fun and it’s easy to do. It makes some men feel like they own the world. If you don’t know any better, you feel like it’s part of manhood. Some guys learn from the best, which would be there father.

Tanya White: In my opinion, men cheat because they have not been honest with themselves or their companion about what they truly want and need not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Instead of patiently waiting to find the love they really want and deserve, they settle for what I call “Might As Well Hell” by staying in an unfulfilling relationship and pursuing another unfulfilling relationship on the side. (For complete explanation of what I mean by “Might As Well Hell”, read issue #158 of Tanya’s Tips newsletter via www.tanyawhite.com)

The 14 Days After Q&A is a relationship mini-series. For the month of February, each day after Valentine’s Day will feature a new relationship question to be answered by two female and two male authors who have written books about relationships. Click here for more information about the authors Tanya White, Cassandra Washington, Dedan Tolbert and Big Boom.