Why do I date the same people over and over again? Is it a deeper connection that draw these people to me, or is it just what I like?
Tanya White: We attract who and where we are in life. People are drawn to us because of commonalities they sense from us and level of probability that they have of actually securing a relationship. Oftentimes, we deduce our negative rerun dating experiences and choices to being a simple matter of what we like. Our perpetual choices are primarily due to unresolved hurts such as rejection, fear, issues of abandonment. Until we conduct a self assessment as to why we make the same unhealthy choices we will continue to repeat the unhealthy dating cycle.
Dedan Tolbert: One thing to keep in mind is that a man is going to treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you present yourself like you don’t have any respect for yourself, then that’s how a man is going to treat you. Sister Souljah once said, “Confused women attract confused men”. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself what kind of man you’re looking for and then develop a plan on how to go about getting him.
Cassandra Washington: There’s a saying that my mother always told me: “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten.” This can be applied to everything in life. Therefore, when you start noticing this trend, you need to take a deep look at yourself and see what it is that you are continually doing, saying, where you are continually hanging out at, and who you are continually accepting and turning away.
Maybe you’ll find that you are turning down the guy with no game, who may actually be a perfect fit for you, and instead, opting to choose the man with the mouthpiece, dressed in brand labels, who would holler at your best friend if you blinked your eyes. Deep down, you like the flash and fast life. For example, I know a young lady who would profess that she wanted a man to want her for her mind and not her body. Whenever she met a guy, she dressed provocatively and used her body to get more attention.
She got the attention, but not the attention that she wanted. Remember, how you start out is most definitely how you’ll finish in a relationship. If you keep getting the wrong type of men, it may be because you don’t know what you need in your life. You’re continually blinded by what you want which doesn’t always even out.
Big Boom: You keep getting the same type of man because you haven’t changed anything about yourself. It’s not that you are getting the same type of man; the true problem is the men are getting same old women.
Sun 02-15-09 Do you have to be a freak to enjoy great sex?
Mon 02-16-09 Is sex overrated?
Tue 02-17-09 When should men draw the line in role playing?
Wed 02-18-09 Why do men really cheat?
Thu 02-19-09 Why do I date the same people over and over?
Fri 02-20-09 Why are men challenged by their perineal G-spot?
Sat 02-21-09 Do I tell my friend she’s dating a married man?
Sun 02-22-09 How do I tell my husband I’m sexually frustrated without hurting his feelings?
Mon 02-23-09 Would more racial boundaries break if more people dated interacially?
Tue 02-24-09 How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?
Wed 02-25-09 How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?
Thu 02-26-09 How do I cope with my boyfriend sending me mixed messages?
Fri 02-27-09 I fell in love with my best friend’s wife. What should I do?
Sat 02-28-09 Each author gets a special question just for him or her.
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22 thoughts on “The 14 Days After Q&A: Why do I date the same people over and over?”
Dedan’s response: “…what kind of man youâ€™re looking for and then develop a plan on how to go about getting him.” Although you made some valid points in this discussion, I don’t believe a woman should be chasing or looking for a man. We tend to forget that the Holy Word lays it out for us, “a man finds a good thing”. Therefore, he should be seeking after the woman. Yet, some women who have low self-esteem and are not confident, they attract men they do not value them. She has to become the woman in Proverbs 31. She has to acknowledge that she is “his jewel”, and to be respected and loved as one. Stop settling for less, but for God’s best. Set your standards high and do not lower them to be with someone. God will bring him your way, in due time.
I agree with most of the responses from these 4 authors.
If we are not willing to know who we are, change what needs to be changed for something better, then we will end up with the same old mess. –Cassandra nailed it and Big Boom has me cracking up in tears as he simplified it. I think I read that in one of his books too!
We assume because of the question that the person asking is a female. Why is that? I think it’s because we perceive women to be more passive than men when it comes to initiating, maintaining and discontinuing relationships. In terms of this particular Q&A session, the answers are coming as if a female is being answered.
I think that Tanya’s answer can be applied to both a man or a woman. Very solid information. Our hurts and fears can sometimes be obstacles in seeking and keeping healthy relationships.
I wholeheartedly believe in what Dedan says in terms of this question. You get treated how you let people treat you. If you come across a person who preys on certain traits and you fit the bill, get ready for an adventure. Change your attitudes and behaviors, and your world will slowly change.
I have to refute what Sista Soulja says though. Confused men and women attract manipulative people who are able to use that confusion for their benefit. Sure, we have our fair share of confused people in short- and long-term relationships. For the most part, critical thinker who use their abilities for not-so-good enterprises will find confused people and use that confusion.
Cassandra’s answer is so on point. Many times, the good guy gets pushed to the side for the bad boy. Growing up, I asked women why they were attracted to certain people. Nice dudes always got a bad rap for being pushovers. Bad boys are challenging. They are exciting. Many are no good…plain and simple.
Adrienna’s point is well taken. Men are the ones who are expected to initiate the relationship process. To say that women shouldn’t be looking but should be looked for is incomplete. I think that’s why a lot of women find themselves in the same relationships with different people. They simply are not looking at the men who pick them up and later put them down. Women should be more selective when letting me try to gain their attention. You shouldn’t let a man get you caught up while he’s on his path to nowhere. Instead you should be looking for the man you want to be with so you can see him when he’s in your presence. You’ll also be able to see the ones who aren’t worth two dead flies. (But then again, Big Boom said the same thing in fewer words…lol)
Joey, you speak from the heart and sounds like experience from both sexes point’s of view.
What underlines our choices in choosing a mate- is some of us are not willing to wait! We will settle for anyone that thinks we are “cute” or who is willing to talk to us.
I have recently been pushed into meeting someone that my sister thought was right for me. I had the courage to meet him. He was a married man, who lied about being divorced, and discovered he was separated. When I question him on it, he denied it. We should depict certain things in a mate’s characteristics, behaviors, and what is said. Most of us will ignore the “signs” or “red flags”, to be with someone.
Even if we change the things in us, we still have to be on alert…willingness to learn more about our partner or companion, instead of filling the emptiness and loneliness. We do not need to put on more than we can bear and end up with the same old person–we disliked before.
Ask the hard questions. Decide what is best for you, not for what someone feels is best for you. Make a list of what you will and will not tolerate. When those things are mentioned in conversation, and you see he/she is not on the same page…do not be afraid to say, “this is not working for me.” and move forward. You cannot change a man or woman, they have to have the willingness to change.
We forget we all have flaws and shortcomings, but for love, we are willing to mend our ways and compromise for those we love.
plain and simple, we don’t like change.
even when the guy or girl treats us bad, breaks our hearts, we hate to start over and we’d rather put up with the same crap that we’re used to instead of trying something different.
I believe we date the same types of men because of our insecurites and the inability to broaden our horizons. We tend to stay where we are comfortable or where we can have some control. Like the women who date needy men over and over again.
We should set our sight higher once one relationship fails and search for someone who boosts our ambitions, understands our heart and is able to let you be the boss sometimes.
This is a real deep question!
OMG!! I AGREE WITH BARBARA IT IS LIKE TUNNELL VISION….WE ALWAYS TEND TO GET COMFORTABLE…AND JUST ACCEPT THE OKEY DOKE…
ANOTHER MISTAKE IS THAT WE OFTEN TAKE THAT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP INTO THE NEW ONE EVEN AFTER WE MAKE PROMISES TO OURSELVES THAT WE WONT…
I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IN ORDER TO LOVE ANYONE ELSE WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES AND IN DOING SO YOU WILL BE A BETTER COMPANION AS WELL….
I KNOW MY THOUGHTS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE HERE…LOL…BUT THIS IS JUST AN INTERESTING TOPIC THAT GENERATES FEEDBACK AND SO YOU JUST GOT MINE *SMILE*
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