A thirty-year-old female friend of mine has been dating a man for three years. He has yet to propose marriage to her. I recently found out that the man is married! Do I tell my friend what I’ve learned and insist she dump the guy, or do I mind my own business?
Cassandra Washington: If she is truly a friend of yours, then you shouldn’t even have to ask. Of course you should tell her that information if you know the information is true! It is up to her whether she wants to accept it or not, but I wouldn’t sit on that truth, not at all.
No, it’s not your job to tell her to dump the guy. That’s a decision that she has to make on her own and live with. However, telling her what you found out is critical; she may very well indeed hate you for it today, but she’ll thank you for it tomorrow.
Big Boom: If you tell her, you could lose a friend. However, once she faces reality you could gain her back because she probably already know. Only reason she’d be mad at you is because now she must to do something about it.
Tanya White: I believe your friend already knows and has decided to pursue the relationship anyway. Think about it. You found out that he was married. It must not be hard for her to find out. As for insisting that she dump the guy, that only creates more tension. Healthy friendships are not ones of insistence but of unconditional love.
Dedan Tolbert: The first problem with this situation is that the man hasn’t proposed after three years. It doesn’t take a man that long to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone. Women need to stop being so understanding when it comes to relationships.
Let your man know how you feel about your relationship. If it’s marriage that you want…tell him. If he’s not on board with that, you need to keep it moving. Too many women waste the best parts of their lives on men who don’t really want them.
As far as him being married, I would tell your friend what you know about the situation if I was in your shoes. I’m sure you would want a true friend to do the same for you. Never sell yourself short and settle for less than you truly want or deserve.
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Wow, this is deep. I have heard that you should not share certain things about their mate, since you could lose a friendship over it. However, if they were a genuine friend, they will take your advice and thank you for it later. Out of love, I would share it. But after reading Tanya advice on this question, it is true, she should know as well if you were able to find out.
Overall, it was a heartrending comment left by Dedan. More importantly, we should be able to have open communication on things we need to discuss while in a serious relationship. Some of us learned from our elders/ancestors, “what we don’t know, won’t hurt.” This is not true.
Furthermore, we should not assume, but state it or ask.
I was always told my mom, a man should know right away if they can see themselves marrying you, but they may wait a few months up to a year to get themselves together to ask you. She said, if a man does not ask within a year or less, it is best to move on, since he will not ask you to marry him. Three years or more is a pretty long time to wait for marriage. You need to know where you stand in the relationship–he may see you as a friend, freak, or forever…but it should not take this long to hear the words, “Will you marry me?”
I’d tell.
I have guy friend who was daying this woman for two years and I found out she wa married already.
I told him and even showed him.
It was heartbreaking to watch the devastation, but it was the best thing I could have done as a friend.
Sylvia,
I am glad you were able to share this with your male friend. He will get over it, and find the woman for him. Overall, he has a good friend on his side.
Yes, you should tell your friend that she’s dating a married man.. But, I just can’t beleive that after 3 years she hasn’t figured that out..Unless that man is spending 90% of his time with her and not his wife, I could see her not knowing. But for real, if that man is truly married like you say, his wife ain’t having that. And I’m sure husband and wife arent having an “open” relationship. Check your girlfriend quick!