The 14 Days After Q&A: How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I want to get married, he’s not ready. How do I get him to understand how important marriage is to our relationship without risking losing him altogether?

Cassandra Washington: After 8 years, you have to wonder what is truly keeping him from making your union legal?  This is a discussion that most definitely needs to take place. Do not worry about it being the right place, or the right time, because quite frankly, if it’s been 8 years, obviously he’s uncomfortable with the idea of legal commitment, and therefore, any time the subject is brought up will make him sweat. Whenever you talk to him, be sure to not whine, beg, give ultimatums, or complain. Simply question the direction of your relationship, if he sees marriage in the near future, and if not, what is keeping him from that path? Eight years is a long time to dance around a subject, and an even longer time to find out that your bond is not moving forward, but in circles. So just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may.

Big Boom: You need to tell God and not him, some men want to be a life time boyfriend, If he wanted to marry you,  you would of been married 7 years ago. Because a man in love do not wait that long., because he cannot afford to lose you.

Tanya White: I get these scenarios all of the time.  If one party is not ready for the next level such as marriage there is literally nothing you can do to “make” him understand.  First, analyze why you really want to marry this person.  Even though you have been together for 8 years, you really have not been together for 8 years because you are not on the same page as to the future of the relationship.  Many times people confuse length of time with the longevity of success.  You need to be honest with yourself to see if the relationship has run its’ course.  Forcing or nagging your boyfriend into marriage may get you a wedding but not a healthy marriage and eventual divorce.

Dedan Tolbert: In this situation, your concern shouldn’t be about him. It needs to be about you and your happiness. If a man isn’t ready to marry you after eight years, he doesn’t want to get married… or at least not to you. Men who wait this long before really committing are playing some sort of game. Usually it means he’s still out there looking for the next best thing. You would be wise to give him a timetable or ultimatum. If you don’t you could find yourself alone after eight years with nothing to show for it.

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24 thoughts on “The 14 Days After Q&A: How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?”

  1. Are we close to the end of this special segment?

    Well, I love this line: he cannot afford to lose you. I whole-heartedly agree with this message. If they love you, they want a serious commitment and willing to take it to the next step: marriage. However, some men are not good providers. Or they fear: divorce or commitment.

    So, I would like to find out where is this relationship going. I have never dated anyone for that length of time. I think all the men I have dated add up to luckily 8 years total. That is why I strongly agree with Tanya White statement: not about the length of time, but the longetivity of success…power in the words.

    I believe most women settle for a man, no matter how long it takes for him to pop the question. But the question is what do you want, and is this relationship fit for you. What are you afraid of or what is he afraid of? Meditate and marinate on these words for a moment. Let me write this down…hold on.

    More importantly, I think some of us are still stuck on this old saying, “Half of a man is better than no man.” We will accept things we don’t want or like in a relationship to say, at least I got a man. I am comfortable being single, if I had to wait for a man to ask me to marry him…is he worth the wait? Reminds me of Janet Jackson song, “Funny how time flies…”

    Oh, on another note, Big Boom, now you got Steve Harvey writing on relationships if I am not mistaken.

  2. This topic is so dear to me, b/c i was proposed to after a month of dating and i thought this man was absolutely crazy to ask me this fast! So of course i turned him down, but i turned down a great thing. What boom said made me say, “wow, you are right”, and Tanya is so true that oftentimes we put too much emphasis on the “length” of a relationship and not on its foundation: is it steady, is it solid, rocky, unstable?
    Dedan, you are correct, if it’s been 8 years, i’m sure he’s still thinking there might be better out there and that’s why he hasn’t committed to her, and just decided to have her as “good enough”. and Adrienna, yes! So many women will settle and put up with just about anything just so that they are not alone. People really need to just breathe, chill out and enjoy life, for what is promised to you, will come to you in due time. Don’t rush it, force it , or destroy it all because you don’t have faith in what God promised.
    I love all of your answers!


  3. Let me begin this by stating HE’S A COUNTERFEIT! A counterfeit looks like the real thing, talks like the real thing and may even smell like the real thing, but he’s a cleverly disguised fake. Fact is you don’t have to spend 8 years trying to convince a man that you are Mrs. Right. If you were the right one for him he wouldn’t hesitate to scoop you up and whisk you into forever and brag to everybody he meets along the way. This man has wasted 8 years of YOUR life. At this point his feelings aren’t important, if you lose him–good riddance to the dead weight. Something else to also consider is are YOU ready for marriage. When you’re complete and whole and secure with yourself you won’t allow men to come in, suck up your time and attention and give you tiny morsels in return. There is nothing worse than a woman or man willing to accept anything just to say that they have someone calling on a Friday night or leftovers from a dinner date in their fridge. Love you and it will set the precedence. If you say that you want marriage, don’t allow anybody to string you along. For all you know you could have passed by Mr. Right waiting for this counterfeit to propose. It’s time to free yourself and welcome your blessing Princess. Until you do this man that you’re dead set on holding on to is just in the way.

  4. I think you have two choices here: either realize he is not going to change and you are going to be a perpetual girlfriend or move on. You could always give him an ultimatum and see how he reacts. You just need to be ready to walk if he doesn’t give you the answer you want.

    I see more and more women in this situation. What would motivate the guy to marry you, if he hasn’t already? Eight years is too long–it’s like you missed the window of opportunity to have this discussion. Ideally, I think it takes place about a year into a serious, exclusive relationship, although frankly, if you have to bring it up, it’s probably a sign right there that it’s not going to happen. It’s a tough spot to be in. You don’t want to bring it up too early in the dating process, for fear of scaring the guy off. But you don’t want to waste your time dating someone if you ultimately want to be married and he never does.

    I’m not big into the whole “he’s just not that into you thing,” BUT I do believe a guy who won’t get married after 8 years deep down thinks there’s something better out there. We can say he’s scared of getting divorced again, or he doesn’t want to give up his bachelor quarters, whatever. A guy who wants to be with a woman will move mountains to do it, and there won’t be any doubt about it. As for the rest, meh…

  5. Yes, Cassandra, I am waiting on God’s best! We have to allow God to give us what He promised. I am sorry to hear that you were in a relationship that lead to proposal, and then turned him down. Today, not too many women get proposed to anymore and consider other living arrangements, which in some states are called “common-law marriages”. Craziness of it all. Yet, I am glad that you knew what was best for you overall.

    Marriage is a sacred covenant between two people to become one (or oneness), and I want to make sure it is the man for me the first and only time! Not to wake up one morning, and say, “What the he.. is this? Who are you? Why are you laying next to me!”

  6. You don’t!

    My daddy always says, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

    You’re giving away the milk, honey, chile!

    Not just sex, but everything about yourself, so why should he marry you wehn he’s getting the benefits of marriage without the ring.

    You either need to show him what’s so great about marry you better or you need to just walk away and make him re-work and re-appreciate what he lost. Don’t accept until you feel he’s not being forced. YOu never want a man to feel forced. You want him to fall madly completely in love with you all over again.

    ranting from blogger How To Love A Black Woman

  7. Bottom line: You’re wasting your time. What are you losing? The chance to spend another 8 years? Add 10 years to that and you could have got married, had a kid and have that child gearing up for college.

    Get out of those circles like Cassandra said, unless you like that. Big Boom and Dedan are right. Your boyfriend would have married you a long time ago. Right now, you’re convenient. Tanya is right. By the time you convince him to marry you, you’ll probably be asking should you get a divorce 8 years down the road…

    Adrienna’s comment is full of wisdom. The person asking this question is definitely one some “half-a-man” mentality. It’s not easy to get what you want and need out of every relationship. There is definite rewards to starting a relationship with the foundation of knowing what both parties want.

    Thank you to all who came out to comment.

  8. I personally feel that anything worth having is worth waiting for. I know eight years is a long time. However; I have an aunt who waited for more than twenty-five years for her current husband to marry her. He finally did and they’ve been happy ever since for the past five years.

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