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The 14 Days After Q&A: How do I cope with my boyfriend sending me mixed messages?

February 26, 2009 Joey Pinkney 19 Comments

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend months ago. I told him to leave me alone, so I can heal. He texts me all the time saying, “I didn’t want to mislead you. You are not the one for me.” But he also texts, “I miss you. I want you here so bad. Can we get together.” I still love him, but I don’t need the hurt and pain. What should I do?

Dedan Tolbert: Your ex-boyfriend’s hurtful text messages/letters/voicemails etc…were coming from the emotional part of his personality that’s having a hard time dealing with your break up. Men are typically looked at as the strong ones in relationships but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have feelings. Breaking up hurts both people involved. Some people deal with break ups better than others. Sometimes, women do things like break car windows… Sometimes, men write hurtful letters. These are all unhealthy ways to deal with heartbreak.

The fact that he’s sending you completely opposite messages saying I miss you and I love you is because his heart is conflicted. I usually advise couples who are recently broken up to refrain from any contact for a while because everything is still fresh, and that’s when the unhealthy behavior is most likely to occur.

What you need to do is remember why the two of your broke up in the first place. If the reasons are so bad that you know you can’t be happy with him again, you need to walk away for good. If you think your problems are fixable, then give it a try with a clean slate. You can’t be happy in the future if you continue to constantly bring up the problems from your past. Forgive each other once and for all and then move on so you can truly be happy.

Cassandra Washington: You should stop retaining in your memory the texts you want to read, and retain the texts that pain you to the core such as: “You are not the one for me”. All that “I miss you” and “Can we get together” is simply “I’m horny, can I get some?” Please don’t confuse it for anything more that what it is. If you do, you must not be too tired of the hurt and pain he has already put you through because you obviously want more of it, to put it simple and plain.

Tanya White: It sounds as though he wants to keep stringing you along until he finds a new love. If you really do not want to receive the texts, then delete them or block his number out so that you will not receive them. Contrary what society and the media have tricked us into believing, love does not hurt or cause pain. Love is freeing, respectful, unconditional and always wants the best for all parties involved.

Big Boom: Change your phone number and find something to do with your down time, put the love that you was giving him back into yourself and prepare for a new life.

Sun 02-15-09 Do you have to be a freak to enjoy great sex?

Mon 02-16-09 Is sex overrated?

Tue 02-17-09 When should men draw the line in role playing?

Wed 02-18-09 Why do men really cheat?

Thu 02-19-09 Why do I date the same people over and over?

Fri 02-20-09 Why are men challenged by their perineal G-spot?

Sat 02-21-09 Do I tell my friend she’s dating a married man?

Sun 02-22-09 How do I tell my husband I’m sexually frustrated without hurting his feelings?

Mon 02-23-09 Would more racial boundaries break if more people dated interacially?

Tue 02-24-09 How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?

Wed 02-25-09 How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?

Thu 02-26-09 How do I cope with my boyfriend sending me mixed messages?

Fri 02-27-09 I fell in love with my best friend’s wife. What should I do?

Sat 02-28-09 Each author gets a special question just for him or her.

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african american author, african american authors, african american book, african american books, criticism

The 14 Days After Q&A: How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?

February 25, 2009 Joey Pinkney 24 Comments

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I want to get married, he’s not ready. How do I get him to understand how important marriage is to our relationship without risking losing him altogether?

Cassandra Washington: After 8 years, you have to wonder what is truly keeping him from making your union legal?Â This is a discussion that most definitely needs to take place. Do not worry about it being the right place, or the right time, because quite frankly, if it’s been 8 years, obviously he’s uncomfortable with the idea of legal commitment, and therefore, any time the subject is brought up will make him sweat. Whenever you talk to him, be sure to not whine, beg, give ultimatums, or complain. Simply question the direction of your relationship, if he sees marriage in the near future, and if not, what is keeping him from that path? Eight years is a long time to dance around a subject, and an even longer time to find out that your bond is not moving forward, but in circles. So just go for it, and let the chips fall where they may.

Big Boom: You need to tell God and not him, some men want to be a life time boyfriend, If he wanted to marry you, Â you would of been married 7 years ago. Because a man in love do not wait that long., because he cannot afford to lose you.

Tanya White: I get these scenarios all of the time.Â If one party is not ready for the next level such as marriage there is literally nothing you can do to “make” him understand.Â First, analyze why you really want to marry this person.Â Even though you have been together for 8 years, you really have not been together for 8 years because you are not on the same page as to the future of the relationship.Â Many times people confuse length of time with the longevity of success.Â You need to be honest with yourself to see if the relationship has run its’ course.Â Forcing or nagging your boyfriend into marriage may get you a wedding but not a healthy marriage and eventual divorce.

Dedan Tolbert: In this situation, your concern shouldn’t be about him. It needs to be about you and your happiness. If a man isn’t ready to marry you after eight years, he doesn’t want to get married… or at least not to you. Men who wait this long before really committing are playing some sort of game. Usually it means he’s still out there looking for the next best thing. You would be wise to give him a timetable or ultimatum. If you don’t you could find yourself alone after eight years with nothing to show for it.

Sun 02-15-09 Do you have to be a freak to enjoy great sex?

Mon 02-16-09 Is sex overrated?

Tue 02-17-09 When should men draw the line in role playing?

Wed 02-18-09 Why do men really cheat?

Thu 02-19-09 Why do I date the same people over and over?

Fri 02-20-09 Why are men challenged by their perineal G-spot?

Sat 02-21-09 Do I tell my friend she’s dating a married man?

Sun 02-22-09 How do I tell my husband I’m sexually frustrated without hurting his feelings?

Mon 02-23-09 Would more racial boundaries break if more people dated interacially?

Tue 02-24-09 How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?

Wed 02-25-09 How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?

Thu 02-26-09 How do I cope with my boyfriend sending me mixed messages?

Fri 02-27-09 I fell in love with my best friend’s wife. What should I do?

Sat 02-28-09 Each author gets a special question just for him or her.

This Post is Sponsored by:

Advertise with JoeyPinkney.com for just $20 (click here).

african american author, african american authors, african american book, african american books, criticism, sex

The 14 Days After Q&A: How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?

February 24, 2009 Joey Pinkney 19 Comments

My girlfriend of seven months recently told me that she cheated on her last boyfriend twice with the female I thought was just her friend. She’s assured me that that’s a thing of the past, but she talks to and texts her best friend all the time. How do I cope with the feeling that there’s more than meets the eye?

Big Boom: There are 3 things you could do: 1. Have a three-some. 2. Be a fool. 3. End the relationship because you will never trust her.

Tanya White: I respect the fact that she confided her inappropriate behavior. You must trust your mate. She has done something specifically in the relationship which has made you doubt her trust then you two need to discuss it.Â If you can not trust her then you are not going to have a healthy or fulfilling relationship.

Dedan Tolbert: With any relationship, there needs to be a certain level of trust. You can’t be with someone when you can’t be 100% sure what they’re telling you is the truth. In this situation, I would ask her one final time if her cheating ways are behind her. When she tells you that they are…leave it at that.

If down the line certain behavior raises red flags, you need confront her about it and come to a mutually beneficial resolution. If that’s not possible, then you have to ask yourself if that’s a situation you want to remain a part of.

Cassandra Washington: Trust is a big component of a lasting relationship. If there is no trust, there is no relationship, simple and plain. Before you allow your paranoia to get the best of you, simply have a discussion with your mate and express how you are feeling a bit unsure about the current situation.

Telling her to remove her best friend from her life is not an option . If this “best friend” is a lover as well, former or current, then it might not be that unreasonable. If she has anything to say about it, ask her to put the shoe on the other foot and see how she would feel then.

In any case, intuition is a gift given to you to protect your heart. When it starts knocking at your door, you better answer.

Sun 02-15-09 Do you have to be a freak to enjoy great sex?

Mon 02-16-09 Is sex overrated?

Tue 02-17-09 When should men draw the line in role playing?

Wed 02-18-09 Why do men really cheat?

Thu 02-19-09 Why do I date the same people over and over?

Fri 02-20-09 Why are men challenged by their perineal G-spot?

Sat 02-21-09 Do I tell my friend she’s dating a married man?

Sun 02-22-09 How do I tell my husband I’m sexually frustrated without hurting his feelings?

Mon 02-23-09 Would more racial boundaries break if more people dated interacially?

Tue 02-24-09 How do I cope with not trusting my girfriend after catching her with another woman?

Wed 02-25-09 How do I get my boyfriend of 8 yrs to understand my desire to marry him with losing him?